If he had been the one to write to me, Id be giving him an earful, believe me), . THIS is the problem, not the fact that a 12-year-old girl likes 12-year-old girl things. FUCK BOARD GAMES. Unless its, you know, the lastest Madonna tour or album . My dad patiently put up with and even encouraged me in my obsessions. I get that hes probably feeling left out, but thats not cool. July 2, 2013, 2:59 pm. oh, wait - his father wanted nothing to do with him for years. Which sort of circles back to point that even if this dad doesnt connect with his daughters interests, he really should make an effort. Other times, it may be something more complicated, such as unresolved feelings of jealousy or resentment. Do they really want intimacy but fear that their need will end up in entrapment? If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. I firmly believe that there is no such thing as reading too much. Its rude to disparage someones interests, roll your eyes at them when they talk about them, tell them to stop talking about it because youre annoyed. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Your first reaction is to take sides, but you realize that would be a mistake. I experienced an adolescence where most of my interests were labeled garbage and where I was told my lack of interest in playing sports was a character flaw that would doom me to failure as an adult. Copyright 2023 The Relationship Notes.Privacy Policy . YUCK. For example, younger children may not be able to express themselves as well and may need help doing so. I never did the gross stuff either. Weird. I mean, you cant FORCE a kid to like camping. The opposite gender relationship in a family (IMO) kinda shapes future relationships your daughter may have with boyfriends. If youre struggling to get along with your teen or adult daughter, dont hesitate to seek professional help. "If your family don't want to see both of you . Loved Jurassic Park and Baywatch of all things. July 2, 2013, 12:04 pm. Otherwise theyll never be able accept the ribbing and teasing that happens in life. Theres no excuse for that. One other thought is that, maybe this really isnt about the daughter, but about her and her husband, she references herself a lot in this letter, and maybe she really has a problem with the way he treats her, but she just doesnt want to admit it. We watch those shows now, pre-children, but I assume well continue to do so once we have kids. Im sure its frustrating for him, I just think hes reacting in a jerk-ish way. Once they believe that true love need not be obligatory and that intimacy is not automatically correlated with entrapment, they are often eager to learn new ways to make their needs and fears knownand let love in. Um, Im in my twenties and all my friends like these things. And with Netflix and Hulu and all that jazz, getting all caught up on Buffy and Firefly and Star Trek and other shows that are ancient history with most of todays teens, is not all that hard. I discovered them in college and came home like, HOW DID YOU NOT TELL ME ABOUT THIS? I recall all too well how some can turn every god damn conversation into a deep Buffy exploration So, yes. Actually, my husbands a pretty big fanboy in general. When I surprised her with it, she told me that we dont have any friends and why would I think that shed want to waste a whole weekend in some hotel when we could be painting the bedroom and actually accomplishing something. Older and (hopefully) wiser Yeah, I wasnt responding so much to Mark re: sports but to culture as a whole. So, I have actually always been closer with my dad to be honest. I think I read this differently than Wendy. As a counterpoint, I loved all the things my dad liked and he tried to do things I liked. Game of Thrones? I just told her she wasnt allowed to ramble off all the names of plants/flowers unless I specifically ask as I really dont care (it would be like me telling her sports stats all day). bittergaymark She's an active parent who enjoys indoor and outdoor adventures with her family. And my fingers are still crossed for you , kerrycontrary Sometimes that means taking a step back and letting things calm down before you try to mediate. When you try to get them to acknowledge what they are doing by weaving the past into the present, they dont agree with your account of what happened. July 2, 2013, 12:57 pm. Be her parent and let her friends be her friends. I know, Buffy was the weakest link in Buffy (is that irony?). If youre experiencing any of these issues in your marriage, its important to talk to your daughter about how youre feeling and why youve decided to stay in the relationship despite being unhappy. Team sports, outdoorsy, tomboyish stuff. Maybe not, though. Im supposed to make sure shes taking care of herself and shes so grateful that someone cares that much, and the next day Im trying to 'control' her. Sure, he dragged me out on hikes that I hated, and I was a brat and pain during many of them. Go to a murder mystery night and talk about Sherlock. My mistake then we read the play and watched the movie, and they went NUTS for the story. My mom and I were not friends like this, and she let my dads bullying escalate to keep the peace. If he didnt care, then that would be more worrisome. Theres no reason why reading books and an interest in musicals and playing music make someone uninformed, one persons preference for geography over literature doesnt make them more informed than the other one! My junior daughter does & my husband complains all the time that she has no need for a cellphone except when she is driving. Too little time to post! I have vivid memories of being forced to attend Cardinals games with my dad because my mom said it was important. But sometimes, this relationship can be strained. I think most people worry about their daughters if they arent active enough and lay around watching tv or reading too much. Driving a car in dreams can reveal thoughts and feelings about who or what is controlling your life, how in or out of control you feel, and how clear you are about your goals or destination in life. They Dont Want Their Marriage To End Up Like Yours, 4. He wasnt invested in making mini-hims at all, and I am so grateful for my dad. He may think that if she leaves the home then shell be safe from his alcoholism. So I cant agree that it is never ok. Theres a true difference between good natured humor and cruelty (even if some people claim it is the the former when it is really the latter) and kids need to be exposed to the former. I thought The Crucible was awful, but I definitely went to Salem this winter and got really into the witch trials and all the history there. And LW- anyone who tells you Firefly is not a good show doesnt know what their talking about! July 2, 2013, 12:34 pm. WWS, especially You may not see the rewards right away. , so i guess it cuts both ways. I have to keep an eye on myself to make sure Im more mom than friend. Anyway, a person shouldnt be forced to read something they find boring, but I think that its reasonable for the dad to try to encourage that so that she grows up knowing theres stuff outside of her pop culture interests. She didnt even have to lock me in the basement. But that he made the effort to give me my interests. Do I look back on those times with my dad now and appreciate the time we spend together? She may also believe that by getting divorced, youll finally be able to find the happiness that you deserve. Im just saying that indicates very little to me. The eye-rolling and making the daughter feel bad about her interests is not cool. July 2, 2013, 11:15 am. He and I read together every night when i was little, and I remember reading beauty and the beast with him, which I cant imagine was his first choice. Isnt there something vampiry that could also lead to a talk about scifi which leads to something the dad may like!?! Here are a few things you can do to try and improve the relationship between them: Its not uncommon for daughters to want their parents to divorce. Your husband sounds like a jerk. Make it clear that it's not just his children that feel this way but you as well, and that something must change. His ambition and strong work ethic filled you with admiration. 20 years later, Im crazy close with both of my parents. I mean ever. My inner fan girl is all riled up now =). My husband her step-dad has Always been supportive financially to both my children and loves them like his own. He was just happy that I was excited about reading. ! And they were kind of blas, like, Oh, we didnt? Hey, that kind of worked for me. And, yes, you ARE being greedy, because as much as your daughter may genuinely enjoy your time together pursuing interests you both share, she is missing out on a relationship with her dad and all the things he can teach her through his interests. Your husband and your daughter are both geeks at heart, which is encouraging. I went through an accapella phase and a disney phase and a pop punk phase, a Growing pains phase, and on and on, and he rolled his eyes and helped me set the VCR, but wasnt willing to watch it. I wanted to spend more time with him so he took me golfing with him early in the morning, even though I didnt know how to play. So, based on my experience, its not helpful to your daughter to make it you against him. First and foremost, of course, is the safety of your children. The father is totally out of line with his dismissive and unloving ways, but so is the mother, big time. I know that we all love the music from our generation. Cardinals games and all. TV Review: Hitler diaries show fake news didn't begin with the internet, Notorious prisoner Charles Bronson to face public parole hearing, Big Issue seller numbers up due to cost-of-living pressures, says founder, Watch for the April 5 investment tax change, Preparing for a future sale of your business, Tom Allen is Completely committed to comedy and 'Auntie Glo', Weekend Q&A: ran Clarke from NI Opera's Nobody/Somebody, Mary Kelly: Unionists' tendency to turn a gift horse into a tin of dogmeat is legendary - and their Westminster chums are getting fed-up with it. He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed, to the extent that he gives her assignments, like reading articles from National Geographic and discussing them with him, which, of course, she resents. She grabs every opportunity to be near him but won't actually tell him how she feels. Theres got to be at least one thing that the two of them have in common. She may come to appreciate some of her dads interests in time, but I hardly think forcing them down her throat is a good way to do that. My dad got me into the Beatles and Hendrix, so I hear that! You need to be aware that it is possible he may resist your attempts to change things and he may even get angry, so you will need to stand firm. When you are in the same space with someone who is watching TV all day or farting often or slurping their coffee or whatever, unless you get away from them you will most likely explode. July 2, 2013, 12:31 pm, Happy birthday to your mom! Ooh, that was common ground for my dad and sisters and I. Mini golf. So how did she find out about it? July 2, 2013, 10:50 am. Wendy, this advice could not have been better. I wonder about the contempt or underlying sexism expressed in the fathers attitude. I desperately wanted to be an astronaut? Most of which are tucked away out of sight. It is essential for a father to be involved in his daughters life and to show her love and attention. I consider myself mature and intelligent, yet Ill still watch mindless shit sometimes. That was my guess too. If your H has strong BPD traits, his child-like behavior is easy to explain because his emotional development likely is frozen at about age four. As a mum who has exactly the same issue, I cant help but feel that this advice missed the point. Not seeing their daughters as people who can make good decisions. The advice to the LW is good, but she cannot change her husbands behavior. I know from personal experience. I take little credit for how lucky I am. I grew up with my dad frequently clipping newspaper articles he wanted us to read, and instigating family learning moments around the table. People who are closed-off in this way often become so as a result of a previous emotional trauma or traumas. 2. 1. Did we always get along? Also, by disparaging the hobbies of the daughter, he is also disparaging his wifes interests. lets_be_honest So, here is the thing. Um, no. Talk about making a little go a very long way. He sounds like a domineering and boring person. July 3, 2013, 9:47 am. LW, you should probably rationally explain to your husband that eye rolling is unacceptable. It takes a bit of work to plan activities when she comes visit me in Chicago (my parents are happily married, but visit me separately) but we bound over food and shopping for kitchen stuff! I assumed it was more than just playful eye rolling because of the added detail about disparaging remarks. Same with the radio in the car I like country or musicals, he cant stand it, theres no way Id put that on. That made me feel really loved and gave me a sense of confidence that is so, so important in a young girl (well, anyone, really). Shes not talking about the Kardashians, but is talking about shows/books that mature, intelligent adults like. PS I also dont get why going camping and hiking versus Buffy-ing are mutually exclusive. July 2, 2013, 11:56 am. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,100],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3','ezslot_14',135,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3-0');Here are some things you can do: Its not always easy to find the right balance between your spouse and your child, but it is possible. Especially a board game like Cranium where everyone can shine in what theyre good at, and it can be good to pair up with someone youre different from. But if youre saying that getting the daughter into these things was some deliberate, malicious move on the part of the mother, I doubt that. Its also important to take into account your daughters age and stage of development. Or if shes interested in other fantasy series (ex. Not from Scranton either! One of these people is an adult and one of these people is twelve. But you know what? To view the purposes they believe they have legitimate interest for, or to object to this data processing use the vendor list link below. I can look back on those time I was forced to go mini golfing with my dad and smile, because I know how happy it made him, and I always ended up having fun, too! July 2, 2013, 12:29 pm. July 2, 2013, 12:33 pm. Ive been following you for years and while I dont always agree with your answers I think this was the most misguided and off the mark. You dont have to love Justin Bieber and Broadway to just ask the kid why she loves it so much. I mean when she was a toddler did he demand that the Disney tunes never be played in favor of classical!?! I watched a show about what would happen if aliens were discovered, and I know there are some about how realistic certain science fiction shows are. If he simply refuses to see that there is a problem and you continue to feel miserable, I suggest you consider talking things through with a Relate counsellor (relate.org.uk). I actually agree with this wholeheartedly, and Im happy for you, your partner, and your little girl! I was an only child, so my moms attention was nice, but I do remember thinking as a child that I wished she was normal in that she was more like a mom than a friend. What this may be in your husband's case is anyone's guess. July 15, 2013, 3:00 pm. My mother attended maybe a handful of my softball games in the 10 years I played competitively. You are actually the only other person not from Scranton that has known what the show was! I have to agree to me the dads attitude is the problem here. Hes embarrassing her. He needs to learn to be a bit more respectful of his daughters choices and to compromise which would be modeling good behavior for his child to learn. Again, no. I intervene and quieten things down when I can, but it's not easy and I am at the point of wondering whether it's all worth the effort. I simply didnt get it.) Theres forcing your kids to do something outside of their comfort zone, normal range of interests which I am ok with and then theres refusing to listen to music in the car EVER? Reviewed by Jessica Schrader. Realize that your child does not have to like your rules, they simply need to find a way to abide by them. The dad cant have it both ways being rude while demanding respect and attention. July 2, 2013, 11:46 am. So theres no harm in him humoring her while it lasts (& for gods sake, letting her play a couple One Direction songs or whatever in the car). Your email address will not be published. In fact, according to a recent study, nearly one in four people say they would encourage their parents to get a divorce if they were unhappy in their marriage. Engage in any behavior that gaslights my daughter in law. Look, I had a great relationship with my dad. If he constantly puts her down she will not like him and she will not respect him because she knows that he has no respect for her. I would have been crushed if he rolled his eyes when I was excitedly talking about something. We watched Eureka last year and our daughter loved it and talked about it with her friends. Maybe even consider making those things, like hiking or whatever, family events, so that its not a choice between a fun thing with mom and a thing she doesnt like as much with dad. I agree, of course people can be smart and informed and still like other stuff too. Please dont disparage science fiction/fantasy as not being intelligent or low-brow for children and adults. One of my faves is when they all de-evolve into more primitive forms and Worf-monster hunts Picard around the ship. For the first time in my life, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. to be at the stream, fishing pole in hand and waders on, to fly fish with my dad. LWs daughter should definitely be involved with some enriching activities, but theres no harm at all in loving media. Actually, we dont know this girl but based on this letter, I think that the father is very concerned that she isnt well rounded. But he let them happen, and would use them to talk to me about other books or stories that would expand my horizon. This can cause a lot of tension in the family. Addie Pray Build him up to your daughter while your opinion still means something to her. If shes expected to learn to take an interest in HIS hobbies, its fair that the same be expected of him every so often. The point here is that Mom seems to allow her to only have interest in those things, which is bad. No matter what state the person is in, he or she may face criminal prosecution of drunk driving when behind the wheel with a confirmed blood alcohol content of 0.08 percent or higher as the national limit. If both parents are making an effort to connect, I think 12 is an acceptable age to understand that things arent always about you, and sometimes we do things for other people just because we love the person if not the activity. Rather than the lover-partner-wife-prized companion to be loved and cherished and lavished with attention slot. Are you on Tumblr? This results in a reflexive coping mechanism that severely restricts their hopes and desires in life. And also, him treating her with respect and letting her know he values her, well that will also help shape her future relationships where she will know she deserves to be respected, valued and loved. And he lived 10 minutes away from us. He was much kinder to them.) I was able to read teen magazines but they made sure it was balanced. We are this little team of 2. As time went by, your belief that you had any influence at all was fading. He's been this way for some time, so I suspect he will not change quickly nor easily. Both of them are alike in that they are argumentative, particularly with each other, and if they disagree with each other or even have a misunderstanding neither will let it go, such that WE end up with ridiculous escalating fights.. only in his mind is one of the most well-written and saddest things ever produced on television. So is telling your daughter that the things she listens to or your conversations are annoying. You have to do whats best for yourself and your family. Then ice cream after. I do understand how easily this Mom couldve gotten caught up in her ways of teaming up with the kid. is that daughter has been driving with her dad for . But you seem to have past that point long ago) Just as your husband has tried to cultivate in her his interests. You also said that your daughter ~does~ participate in her fathers well-liked activities when he asks (& I do think you can do your part to encourage her participation, if youre not already.). Well, I feel like I may offer a different perspective on this. When I was growing up, I always watched The Andy Grifith Show, My Three Sons, and Leave it to Beaver, because those were the shows that were on, and I love those shows, but my father didnt force me to watch them, it was just what was on TV at the time. Being My Husbands Caregiver is Exhausting. This is actually not difficult. Im also a 31-year-old fangirl so this might not just be a phase that shell grow out of, haha. How about trying to find an interest that all 3 of you could enjoy together? Im a mom of a 14 yr old version of this LWs daughter mine is going to One Direction on Thursday, and will be spending all of Wednesday and Thursday both preparing for this epic event. Highlight their special talents and abilities. July 3, 2013, 3:16 am. lets_be_honest I just have to say, I have NEVER felt comfortable choosing what to watch on tv if Im in the same room as my dad because I know he thinks 95% of what Id want to watch is annoying. And for your husband to expect your daughter to have more than your own vapid interests, REALLY doesnt make him a bad parent. This is the one person in the entire world who truly has your back. Youre right, though. July 2, 2013, 4:32 pm. If the emotional and sexual connections were rewarding, you may have been intrigued by the Houdini-like escape pattern. But it isnt you guys against him. If your teenager is starting to pull away, it is important to resist the urge to panic or try to force them to spend more time with you. Instead, you never know how they are going to react to a given situation. Oh, and he thinks TV can actually teach somebody something more relevant than the fact that its both rather silly and stupid to be a Vampire Slayer Not too mention angst-filled. My husband is an OK-ish dad when he does spend time with Petunia, but I think he is very happy with his bachelorlike life, since I basically serve as a full-time cleaning lady and chef, and I. Belittling her favorite things will only cause more resentment and make her even less likely to want to spend time with him. What To Do When Your Partner and Daughter Dont Get Along? Sorry Wendy (and LW) I think your answer was as wrong as it was long. Do you think he liked listening to my fangirlish squees? Not talking on cell phones, thats where. Youve talked about this over and over and your husband still interrupts your conversations because they annoy him? Obviously, this is as much your husbands job as it is yours, but right now it seems hes threatened by the bond you share with your daughter and is acting childish. I hope the LW sees your comment. But even then I would tell you to be a little more hipper and current than Buffy . I think the disparaging, if nothing else, has got to stop. But what upset me more is his reaction. Definitely. Do you have any idea how thrilled he was? Its awesome to have your children engaged in the world (government, politics, history, etc). They loved it, I hated it. I really dont think this situation falls entirely on the husband. Would I have said, at 12 or 13, Hey Dad, hows about a trip to Home Depot on this fine Sunday? An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. Then he said he was going out to watch the game at a bar because he needed time alone, and that hed be home in a couple of hours. Not while professing such love for me and genuinely remorseful when Im upset. My dad said to me that the best thing you can do as a parent is expose your kid to all of their options and let them decide from there. J said the shows and books listed are things mature, intelligent adults like. I loved how proud and impressed he was when I got the answer right, or parroted back some of his trivia. Seriously. You may need to have a conversation with your husband and daughter separately to get to the bottom of whats going on. She can only control her own behaviour, which is why Wendy is addressing hers and not his. My dad had a This Old House sweatshirt even! It could very well be a phase, too I used to be obsessed with Sailor Moon but you dont still see me walking around in a sailor outfit with a headband on. Ive been there. It stated in the letter that the daughter does try to be accommodating. Hes trying to be a parent to her and teach her what he thinks is important for her to know, while I am trying to encourage her to develop her own interests and do what she loves. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. But if she IS uninformed, then its good for him to point it out and provide her with ways to become informed. Particularly this, Help her see the best side of her dad, even if hes sometimes making it difficult. I inherited a great taste in music from my dad. Then Id tell you to keep pushing for her to spend time with you. Your confidence in yourself as a reasonable and intelligent human being may have rapidly diminished. I hated sitting through long sports games. Also, this is tangential, but Im always amused/annoyed when people are criticized for being geeks but if the topic at hand were sports, no one would say a thing. Expect my son to mediate a dispute between my daughter-in-law and myself. Absolutely. It gives them a model for their own m, kerrycontrary Things they like, things they sorta like, things they dont like. July 2, 2013, 1:01 pm. But I would say that Dad needs to try not to do the whole disparaging remarks thing. You dont have to worship the same pop culture icons to have solid relationships. Im not even saying all of the things listed are mature and intelligent, but that people can be smart and informed and still like these things. If youre respectful and kind to each other, theyll be more likely to follow suit. Im guessing that you probably make comments about him every so often to your daughter. July 2, 2013, 4:06 pm. He showed me culture, gave me an enjoyment of the arts and it was one on one time that was genuine. Manchester United bidders move to the next stage of takeover process', Remo Freuler admits Everton's visit is biggest game of season for Forest. Make it a game. She gets too invested in her daughters life. My grandparents have a VHS of her wishing my cousin and I happy birthday. I am a much better, well adjusted adult because he did this instead of pretending to like whatever show I was watching at the time. Another possible reason is that hes trying to save his daughter from being hurt, which is an admirable goal.